Follow by Email

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Blues...really?

Its funny I have had quite of few days of excitement and anticipation of our choice to look into adoption.  Today I woke up feeling low.  I had a bad night, not much sleep and I found myself worrying about all the things I have no control over.  My younger brother was having surgery today and I was worried about him. My best friend found a small lump near the place she had cancer years ago.  A lump was removed yesterday and she should find out tomorrow if there is anything to worry about.  My sister and her two son's leave for Disneyland today and I am excited for them but a little worried about them traveling alone.   All of these are things I can't control. They are up to Heavenly Father and I have to give over the control to him.  I have such a hard time letting go.  I tend to micro manage every aspect of my life.  We received the paperwork from LDS Family services in the mail today and I should be excited, but honestly I am little scared.  I am finally understanding my husbands fears.  What a weird feeling it is to want something so bad and yet being afraid of it at the same time.  I have been through some real difficult times in my life and I have survived.  I am sure this too shall pass. 

I guess it all comes down to fear.  Fear for my family, fear for my friend, fear that my desire to be a mommy may never happen.  Its the same frustration I feel almost every time I get my period, or I hear someone say "you are just like a mom".   Looking through the Deseret Book Catalog today and seeing all the Mothers day books just depresses me.  I am sure I will get over this feeling. I have before, but today I just feel blue.
Its true when they say that adoption doesn't cure infertility, its just another way for Heavenly Father to bless us with family.

I need to turn off the "Carpenters" {they always depress me, and yet I continue to listen} put on some up beat music and do something productive. Like clean out my fridge!!  My sister in law called and my little bro is in pain but made it through the surgery  okay, My sister is smart and she will be okay traveling and My best friend will have the best news I am sure.  I am trying to let go of the fear and embrace the hope.
So I am letting go of the blues,  Really!!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment