Adoption Orientation

So we did it!! We had our first meeting!!  It was both scary and exciting!!  Looks like we have a lot paperwork ahead!!  We need our birth certificates, marriage certificate, temple sealing certificate, a recommendation letter from our bishop.   We will have a caseworker assigned to us once our bishop returns our recommendation letter. 
We need to buy a fire extinguisher for our apartment, and I need to go through and get rid of few more things before we have our home study.  Just so we have more room!!  We will have a "couple" interview and then individual interviews.
We will need to pay 1000.00 up front and a 300.00 fee for the home study.  The rest of the fee's will be due at placement of the baby.    We have to have a criminal background check, references from family and friends and  eventually set up our profile, so we will need to get pictures taken!!
Whew!! What a process!! 
It was funny though, she talked about how couple who are proactive and use blogs, placement cards, and who get the word out that they are looking to adopt, have better success.  I had to laugh inside, what she calls proactive, Berrett calls "obsessive" and THAT  fits my personality type.  Give me a project and I get consumed with it.  I am already making lists of all the people instate and out of state who we can send placement cards to!!
Interesting facts about adoption.   A lot more couples then babies available.  They encourage couples to look into other options as well, such as private adoption, other agencies and foster adoption.  We will have to pray and ponder over those decisions.  
If you travel to another state to adopt, you will have to stay in that state until the caseworker there gives you permission to leave with the baby and a case worker in Utah gives you permission to come home to Utah.  They had a couple there looking into a 2nd adoption who waited in OHIO for 2 weeks after placement of their baby.
Berrett shared with the group of couples that he was adopted and showed some real interest in the organization called "families that support adoption"
We took Berrett's parents to dinner last night and filled them in. 
I asked the caseworker if a 1 bedroom apartment would count against us in a home study and she said not necessarily as long as we have a plan to  be in bigger quarters eventually.    I really liked the feelings I got at LDS family services.  We have a testimony that the Lord wants us to have a family, and he will find a way to bring that child to us!!   The case worker also assured us that sometimes you don't receive placement through one of those avenues but that the Lord See's how hard you have tried and blesses you in another way.
I think that its possible to leave one of those meetings and feel a little discouraged, especially when you hear how many couples are looking, but I don't feel that way... well maybe a teeny tiny amount!! But we are trying to extend our faith that this is the way are meant to fill our family.
So eventually we will be making and sending out placement cards, they said if your friends and family are willing to leave those with tips at restaurants, with hair stylists, In borrowed library books, with doctors and dentist offices, with bishops and stake presidents, young men and young women leaders etc.  Any "golden Contact" possible!! Feels a little like missionary work!
If you would be interested in helping us find our forever family and wouldn't mind giving out placement cards, please let us know!!
Thanks for all your prayers and good wishes and your words of support!!

We are on our way!!

Orientation Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the real beginning to our journey.  We meet with LDS family services at 3pm.
Is it crazy that I am wondering what I should wear?  Church clothes?  Dressier slacks and blouse?  Berrett will be coming straight from work, so probably not church clothes.  I know this is only the orientation but still first impressions and all!!
I'm also thinking about my Mothers Day Madness at the floral call center next week. Its going to be  a LONG Week..  I will work every day about 12 hours a day. 
I wonder if I will feel differently about Mothers Day this year?  I have had years where it didn't bother me at all, other times its the hardest day of my year.   It should be interesting.

Paper Pregnant

I Saw a funny tshirt on the web the othe day that was made for Expectant Adoptive Moms that said "paper pregnant".  I laughed but then I really began to think about it.  The ladies I know who are expecting all have some way that shows it.  Whether morning sickness, swollen ankles, protruding tummy or a sore back.   I am not saying I really miss all those symptoms, but I miss the obvious signs that I am a Expectant Mom!!  I miss the "when are you due?"  umm.  not sure....  The Compliments about the "pregnant glow".  It is true that adoption doesn't cure infertility. I just may have to buy that T-shirt!!

Sometimes I am not the girl he married....

This morning I said something unthoughtful and careless to my husband.  He had a very restless night, in pain and uncomfortable.  After coming to bed in the wee hours of the morning and finally getting a few hours of sleep I woke him up and hurried him along.  He asked me if he had enough time to get a hot shower before I had to be to work.  I rolled my eyes and acted annoyed and basically told him to hurry and told him "he always made me late."  He did remind me that he was in pain and wondered if I understood even 1/10th of what he was feeling.
I do remember that kind of pain, I don't feel it as often any more but I do remember, but what I don't often remember is my patient, loving husband who listened to me complain, slowed down for me in shopping centers, took me to endless doctor visits and loved me through out.
So sweet heart let me say I am sorry that sometimes I forget that you are still the same sweet guy I married.
If I get frustrated and forget to be kind, I apologise.  I need to remember that I married a man who drives me to work every day.  Who holds my hand and dances with me in grocery store.  Who sends me rosebuds in texts.  Who prays with me every day and sleeps beside me every night. 
Some times I need to be reminded that you deserve that sweet girl who you married.  I promise to try to change my impatient ways!!

I love you and can't wait to start the next chapter in our lives.  Last night you called me "mommy" for the first time and my heart just about leaped out of my chest.  To be the mother of your children will be the best gift I can ever share with you.  I can't wait to see a sweet boy or girl look up at you and call you "daddy". They will be so lucky to have you in their lives. 
I hope you forgive me for my unthoughtful actions!!
Much love,
Your Kay

Infertility Our Own Special Wilderness

I was reading my scriptures this morning and was struck by a verse in 1 Nephi 17:3

"And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen  them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness."

One my struggles has been the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth."  We are told to obey all the commandments but what do you do when your body doesn't work in such a way that you can obey the commandment?   I know that this scripture is talking about providing for Nephi's family by feeding them and caring for them in the wilderness, but it struck me today that we are being obedient and that the Lord will strengthen us, Nourish us with his words and like Nephi's family with the Liahona He will guide us in this wilderness called Infertility.  Adoption is our wooden bow.  We may have broken our steel bow's {infertility} but He has provided a way for us to become parents.
The April Ensign has a wonderful lesson about Faith and Infertility.  I hope if any others struggle with this issue that they will read it.  I also pray that others who have been blessed with children read it as well. We need your understanding.
http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng
I love the way you can read the scriptures many times and every time find the answers to your prayers!!

Just an idea...

As you know we are looking to raise some of the money needed to pay for our adoption.  LDS family services is not as expensive as many other adoption agencies, but we still need to raise a sizable amount.
We have considered many possibilities, A bake sale, Cook books, T shirts, a yard sale.  But a family member mentioned a benefit concert.  As many of you know Berrett has many friends in the community who sing, play instruments and act.   If we were able to organize such a event would you be willing to pay to attend?
If you are a performer would you be willing to donate your time and talent to our cause?  We are also looking for a venue that might be willing to donate the rental as well.   Just putting some ideas out there. 
We are still in the planning stages so this is just a thought at the moment.  If you have any great ideas, or know of some that others have used we would love your input.  Thanks to all of you who have been reading our blog!! We appreciate the interest.  

Its not cancer!!

My best friend was diagnosed with cancer almost 10 years ago. She fought a long and hard battle and survived.  This last week she found a lump near the site of her original cancer and the doctors did a biopsy.  On Friday she received the results and the nurse told her it was a "A typical Mass" which could indicate cancer.  Berrett gave her a priesthood blessing that night and promised her the doctors would look at the results and know exactly what to do.  We fasted and prayed for her over the weekend, and today she called and the doctor says its not cancer!!  I guess the site has a lot of extra blood vessels in the area because of the radiation and so the lump looked suspicious. They do want to do another biopsy in a few months when it has healed, but for now it looks really good!!! Yay!!!  This dear friend of ours is going to be "Aunt" to our future child and we can't imagine not having her in our lives.  The Lords blessings are so apparent!!  Thank you Heavenly Father!!

Lullabye for a birth mom!!! Beautiful!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBhetR7iHzI&feature=share
A friend from church sent me to her friends blog. They adopted a little boy.  She had this video posted on her website.  I love this song!! Says all the things I wish I could say!! Enjoy!!

“For today and its blessings, I owe the world an attitude of gratitude.”

Today was a blessed day!!  Sunday with my honey.  We attended church and I had the chance to hear my husband bear testimony of the power of the priesthood, and how blessed he feels to have the chance to receive revelation.  Its one of the things that I truly love about him.  He loves the Lord and knows what great wonders happen in his life on a daily basis.  I went to primary and learned a little more about my calling as a first counseler.  I held our pianist's baby all through sharing time.  That was wonderful.  I had one of my students ask me "why I quit as his teacher".  That was a hard one!! How do you explain to child about callings and the way they can change our plans at a moments notice?  I took him aside and explained that the bishop called me to be a counseler, that they needed my help in the presidency and that I would never quit loving him, or quit on him!! I wanted him to know, I was still his friend and teacher, if in a different form.
These children in our primary, teach me every week.  They have simple sweet testimonies of the gospel and of their savior.  If they express love  or appreciation they mean it!!

Then we came home, had a little nap and then had dinner with Bears side of the family.  I got to hear a few jokes from my niece, watch the newest baby boy in the family, coo and smile.  Heard all the latest news about our missionary nephews and bask in the warmth and love of family.  Sundays with our family are some of the best times.  Its getting late and I should go to bed.  I am so grateful for my family, my calling, my husband and my life.  Today was a blessed day.

All because two people fell in love!!

Isn't it interesting the way people meet? When I met Bear, he was dating a friend of mine.  We had hung out together in a group and I remember thinking " I like that guy!! He is so nice."
One day he picked me up on his way to her house.  We arrived a little early and sat on her front lawn talking.  He told me all about his great love for the theater and performing.  He focused quite a bit on "Phantom of the Opera".  I wasn't as familier with it at the time.  So he explained the plot, the music, and the meaning he found in the story.  He was so passionate about the arts, and I found that quite attractive.
But he was dating my friend so I kept those feelings to myself.
A few months later they broke up, and I did my best to help him recover from the heartache!!  Now don't get me wrong, I did check with my friend, I am not the kind of girl who would steal another girls guy!!  To this day he still thinks it was his idea to take me out, and to kiss me on our 3rd date... well  if that makes him happy who am I to argue.
Now the thing you have to understand about Berrett is, he.... takes.... his.... time...!!  We dated for 6 years before he popped the question.  Let me tell you it was worth the wait.  He invited me to come along on a family vacation and asked me to marry him at Disneyland!!  It was so romantic and even more special because he knew that my parents had gotten engaged there.
We were married in the Salt Lake Temple, 1 year, 1 month and 1 day later!!   It was the happiest day of both of our lives!!  We have been married for almost 12 years.  He has a wonderful family with a lot of neices and nephews that we love like they were our own kids!!  I can truly say that we are Super Aunt and Uncle!!
We spent our honeymoon at Disneyland and we have returned there time and time again.  He always walks me back to our spot at Snow Whites grotto, and we make a wish in the wishing well.   So many of those wishes have been for a family.   We dream of taking our little girl or boy to our favorite place and introducing them to the magic kingdom.  Seeing  Disneyland through the eyes of our child would be the best vacation of all.
Berrett still loves the theater and holds down a 2nd part time job, working in the box office.  He still takes.. his... time... making... decisions, but  I am used to it!!    His daytime job is In IT for a major corporation.
I work for a local flower shop as a customer rep in their call center.  I have worked in different aspects of this job for over 20 years.  I have been a designer, wedding consultant, manager, assistant manager, and now I am quite happy spending 3 days a week taking phone orders from our loyal customers!!
We are both active in church.  I love the Primary, I have been a teacher and I am now beginning a new calling as 1st counseler in our ward primary.  I also hold a calling as Stake Asst. Girls camp director.  Berrett still giggles about this because I was not a camper,  but now I love it!!   Berrett has been the secretary in the Elders quorum and is at present the ward clerk.  We both served Missions around the same time.  He served in California and I served in New Zealand.
I love to cook and make up new recipes.  We both love to do crafts and Berrett is the proud owner of a CRICUT cutter.  I only have visitation rights!! LOL!  I love to read for fun, and he loves to read for Information.   He is the quiet one, although He is not shy.  I am the talker, and quite shy!!   I tend to run at the mouth when I am nervous!! 

We love to go to movies, and the theater and try to keep up on our weekly dates.  Some of our best dates have been sitting in the childrens section of the bookstore reading kids books to each other.  We like road trips and have some of our best conversations there.  I have read all the Harry Potter books to Bear while on these road trips.  We like a lot of the same music and Bear will surprise me with ballet and concert tickets as often as he can.  We give new meaning to the definition "young at heart"!!   We work hard, and we play hard!!  

Silk tie dyed eggs!!

So this is a great idea for you crafters out there!! Check it out!!
http://www.skiptomylou.org/2011/04/06/silk-tie-dyed-eggs-tutorial/

Waiting

Well, its another day and my mood has lightened some what.  I filled out most of the paperwork last night and Berrett looked it over.  He was exhausted after a long day of work and physical therapy.  I know the physical therapy is wearing on him, but there are improvements. He is moving his shoulders with a little more ease.  Still alot of pain though.  He didn't say much as he read through the paperwork. but that is so like Berrett, he reads or listens and then quietly takes it all in.  I hope that when we meet with potential birth parents that they won't take this as a sign of disinterest.  He is interested, just a thinker.
I am the one who has a hard time with silence, when I am nervous I tend to talk even more!!  I pity those future parents!!
I read so much on line about birth moms.. but what about birth dads?  I am sure for some it is not as much a reality as it is for the woman who carries the child inside her, but surely there are some who get involved in the process.  I hope that if a birth mom ever chooses us, that we will get to meet the dad as well.  But from what I have read thats not always a reality.  Some women have little or no contact as the relationship ended badly.  Some dad's walk away, still others do get involved. 
I hope that if we are chosen as parents that I will be able to tell my son or daughter about both their mom and dad.  I hope to be able to give them some history of what came before.  I want to leave them with a legacy of their own history, from both sets of parents who loved them.
I keep wondering if they are out there already, struggling with this overwhelming situation, or if our turn may be years down the road.  I pray for them.  Bless them Father with thy peace and with thy strength.  You see this blog is not only about our awaited blessing, but theirs as well.

The Blues...really?

Its funny I have had quite of few days of excitement and anticipation of our choice to look into adoption.  Today I woke up feeling low.  I had a bad night, not much sleep and I found myself worrying about all the things I have no control over.  My younger brother was having surgery today and I was worried about him. My best friend found a small lump near the place she had cancer years ago.  A lump was removed yesterday and she should find out tomorrow if there is anything to worry about.  My sister and her two son's leave for Disneyland today and I am excited for them but a little worried about them traveling alone.   All of these are things I can't control. They are up to Heavenly Father and I have to give over the control to him.  I have such a hard time letting go.  I tend to micro manage every aspect of my life.  We received the paperwork from LDS Family services in the mail today and I should be excited, but honestly I am little scared.  I am finally understanding my husbands fears.  What a weird feeling it is to want something so bad and yet being afraid of it at the same time.  I have been through some real difficult times in my life and I have survived.  I am sure this too shall pass. 

I guess it all comes down to fear.  Fear for my family, fear for my friend, fear that my desire to be a mommy may never happen.  Its the same frustration I feel almost every time I get my period, or I hear someone say "you are just like a mom".   Looking through the Deseret Book Catalog today and seeing all the Mothers day books just depresses me.  I am sure I will get over this feeling. I have before, but today I just feel blue.
Its true when they say that adoption doesn't cure infertility, its just another way for Heavenly Father to bless us with family.

I need to turn off the "Carpenters" {they always depress me, and yet I continue to listen} put on some up beat music and do something productive. Like clean out my fridge!!  My sister in law called and my little bro is in pain but made it through the surgery  okay, My sister is smart and she will be okay traveling and My best friend will have the best news I am sure.  I am trying to let go of the fear and embrace the hope.
So I am letting go of the blues,  Really!!!!!

Pain
Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me any more."
I stamped my foot and said, "Be on your way."
And paused there, startled as the look he wore,
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher---all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise,
He left a heart grown tender in my breast,
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song---
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.
Written By,
Spencer W. Kimball

Baby dreams

I have had these baby booties for almost 10 years.  We bought them on one of our many trips to Disneyland and they were a symbol of our hopes and dreams for the future.  A few years ago I packed them away because they were too painful to look at.  Now I look at them and have such hope and joy!!  Some day a little girl or boy may fill these little booties!!

General Conference Recaps for Families

http://www.sugardoodle.net/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=7512

Check this out!!  What a great Family Home evening!!!!   I can't wait to have  family Home evening with a little one in the house!!!! I"ll give him or her a few years to be able to do an activity like this though!! LOL~!!

Beginnings

We are beginning our adoption journey.  We have a appointment with LDSFS on April 29-2011.
I am not even sure what this journey will entail , but I do know that we are ready to begin.  I may be slightly more ready then my dear Bear, but as always I am the impulsive one and he is the logical one.  I move forward trusting that all will work out, and he has that trust, but being a realist he is considering the cost, the stress and the time it may take to achieve this blessing.

I was watching The LDS General Conference session this morning and was so moved by many of the talks.  I really appreciated  President Dieter F, Uchtdorf's remarks.  He compared receiving revelation to building a picture puzzle.  He said we often receive a few puzzle pieces at a time and it may not make sense but in time we can see the whole picture. I feel like we have been receiving these puzzle pieces all along.  He said that God does notice us, that he watches over us and through another person he often meets our needs.   In time I trust that a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who is struggling with her own trials will meet our need by placing her beloved child into our arms.  I cannot imagine a greater love than this, the willingness to bless their childs life with a both a Father and a Mother.
 I promise her, whoever she is, that I will never forget her great sacrifice and that my child will be taught of her great love and sacrifice.  I cherish her and pray she will receive all the great blessings the Lord has in store for her.  We will always hold her in a special place in our hearts.