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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Finding Joy... and ditching the "what if's"

Yesterday I realized something.  I am a worrier.  I don't mean to be.  I try really hard to look for the positive in life but I also spend a great deal of time worrying about what "could" happen.
When Berrett and I started our married life, I was so hopeful for a half dozen kids and a big house bursting at the seams with their friends, their hobbies and probably a few pets to add to the chaos.  Then we began to worry... "What if we could never get pregnant?"
As time went by and we knew pregnancy wasn't going to happen, we changed our view to one of adoption.  We prayed, we fasted, we filled out mountains of paperwork and pages of questions on the Agency's profile page.
We agonized over which photo's to share and how to write a letter that would help the birth family choose us.  The "what If's" snuck in when we had two failed adoptions.. but when we finally brought our Maddi home, it seemed like all our dreams had come true.  They had!!
We had our beautiful baby girl!!
Still in the back of my mind there continues to be some "what if's"?  What if the birth father fights us?  What if the judge drags his feet?  What if we are not great parents?  What if our case workers think we are doing a lousy job?  What if Maddi ends up not liking us?  and so on and so on!!  It really is silly some of these questions.  The reality is that Maddi loves us.  We are doing our best to be good parents.  The court stuff is taking longer then we expected, but we have our baby in our home and in our arms.
I happened to read a post on Facebook yesterday that a friend shared.  It was about a mom who was dealing with her son and his special needs.  I spent most of nap time reading over her blog and weeping over all of the stuff she had to deal with.  I kept thinking about how I would feel in her place.  She Loves her boy.  She struggles and has almost lost him several times.  They don't even have a name for what is wrong at this point, and yet she looks for the joy!
Last night I put our Maddi on the floor and laid down next to her on our favorite quilt.  I watched her roll and giggle.  I made funny faces to make her laugh harder.  I played "this little piggy" on her toes.  I brushed her hair and kissed her cheeks and marvelled at the miracle I held in my arms.  Just 4 and 1/2 months ago I was a wife, daughter, sister and friend.  Within a few days of her being born, I became what I always dreamed of.  A mommy.  Yes, it will be wonderful to have a judge sign off on the papers that make her legally ours.  And I will be rejoicing to have her sealed to our family forever... but neither of those things make me any more her mommy then I am now.  She has grown in my heart for so long.  I just didn't know her until we met on the day of her birth.  I am going to do my best to put aside the worries and just look for the joy!!
She brings so much joy with her!!  We feel so blessed!! The Lord can take care of the worries... I am just going to love my Maddi girl and look for the wonder and joy she brings to our lives!

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