Faith- Hope and Trust......... Lead Kindly Light..

Lead Kindly Light.. Amid the encircling gloom..

 "And now as I said concerning faith,- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true"  Alma 32:21

This was one of the scriptures my nephew Andrew shared at his home coming today.  It made me stop and think.  Am I a person who trusts in faith?  I try.  I am also a person who asks a lot of questions, who looks at things from every angle, who wants to know NOW what is in store.
I have said many times that one of the things that the Lord is trying to teach me in this whole adoption journey is patience... Now I also think he is asking me to let go.. Have faith in HIM and trust.  
Funny... I don't have a perfect knowledge of when our baby will come.  I do have a hope for things which are not seen,  And I know that it is true that Heavenly Father desires to bless us with a child!! 
And Alma goes on: "  22 And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, yea, even on his word."
I also know that any child that comes to us will come through the tender mercies of the Lord. He desires that I Believe him when he tells my heart that the time is coming.
And further on in the same chapter: "

 27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

 28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

 29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.

 30 But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, then you must needs say that the seed is good; for behold it swelleth, and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith? Yea, it will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow.

 31 And now, behold, are ye sure that this is a good seed? I say unto you, Yea; for every seed bringeth forth unto its own likeness.

 32 Therefore, if a seed groweth it is good, but if it groweth not, behold it is not good, therefore it is cast away."

Today I feel as if I have finally awakened to the fact that I have to experiment on his words.. and exercise a particle of faith.  If a young woman out there looks to us as a possibility, I can no more control her decision that I could control a seed!!  If it is a good situation, If it is right then that seed of trust, of faith in us, will grow.. and my faith will be strengthened.  If it is not a good seed or situation then it will not progress, it will not grow.  And then we will know that this was not the child that Heavenly Father meant us to have.

It can be so hard to trust in the Lord and to have the faith that he will bless you when you desire something so much!!!  

I am sitting in sacrament today learning what the Lord is trying to teach me, and then they sing " Lead Kindly Light"

Here are the words:

Lead Kindly light amid the encircling gloom, lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead thou me on!

keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

the distant scene- one step enough for me.  

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose  and see my path; but now Lead thou me on.

I loved the garish day and spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.  

So long thy power hath blest me, sure it still 

will lead me on O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till 

the night is gone.

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

which I have loved long since, and lost a while! 

"Lead Kindly light "

 It can be hard to step into the dark and put your full faith in the Lord.  I am going to do my best.  I look at the picture above and I see two women. I see myself, seeking the comfort of the Lord, and I see our babies mother.  She must feel that she is walking into dark places.  I wish I could reach out and hug her today.  Tell her of the great Love we already feel for her.  We also understand that the love she has for her baby comes with great pain.  The pain of choosing another family for her child.  I want her to know that we will honor that sacrifice and gift every day. We will never forget at what cost we became a family.  We pray for her daily, and pray that the loving arms of our Lord and Savior are wrapped around her as she makes hard decisions.  Oh Father in Heaven, lead us all on.  Keep our feet, and guide us to each other!!

Waiting

So as many of you know, next week is our home study.   We have waited for this day with much trepidation. I sometimes think I have put it off on purpose, at least at little.  I mean having some one come into your home to tell you if it is suitable for children... I have children in my home 6 days a week.  Their parents don't seem to have any problems with our place. :)

 So of course I catch the mother of all head colds this week!!!  No matter what I do I don't seem to have any energy to even think about cleaning.  I made a good start last week, but this week, not much!!  I know I will get to the point where the little clock in my head goes off and I realize that "I am running out of time!!!"  then I will proceed to make every one around me miserable because I feel stressed!!
 There is also one other aspect of this whole adoption process that I need to deal with.  Some how in the back of my head I know that if we are not quite "ready' with the whole process, We don't run the risk of "not being chosen," or "being chosen and then they change their mind."
 A lot about adoption hurts.  The pain of infertility.  The deciding if you want to go through all those expensive awful procedures.  Watching others get pregnant around you so effortlessly.  The endless questions, record finding and lets face it, the financial burden of adopting.  We are currently waiting to hear if we have been approved for a loan.  I am endlessly checking my email to see if its "yes" or "no".  
 We also love so much about adoption.  The idea that such a situation exists in this world.  We haunt the blogs and facebook postings of friends who recently adopted.  I recently self published a book about the Terminology of adoption for kids. Its a abc book about adoption. 
I guess what I am trying to say is that with all the waiting we have had to do, I have hit the point where I am tired of waiting!!!!  I feel as anxious as a child on Christmas eve, wondering if morning will ever come.  I pray that the Lord doesn't make us wait too long.  But I also can only control what we do during this waiting.  Like get our finances ready, get the home study, get approved by the agency, attend the temple, read my scriptures, and pray that when the time is right we will know and our babies mommy will know that we were meant to be its parents.
 Lord grant me patience... and please give us the strength to endure the ups and downs of this waiting!
Kay
P.S. and please help me get our place ready for the home study!!!

Choose The Right!!

The theme for primary this year is Choose The Right.  I am looking forward to continuing to teach the children in sharing time about choices.  Our primary pres was talking to the kids today about choices we make every day.  It got me thinking about simple every day choices that we make and where they lead us.  It can be such a simple thing and yet it can be such a turning point in our lives.  Some times we don't even know that they were turning points until we look back.  For instance I accepted the ward challenge to read the Book of Mormon last year.  I have read it many times, but not always completed it in one years time.  This last year I almost made it. I barely finished it on Jan 19.  A bit late, but I am grateful that I chose to follow the counsel of our Bishop.  So many times in the past year things would come up in my life where I had to make a decision or choice, and then I would read something in the scriptures and I would know what to do. 
We have our home study on Feb 2nd and then once we finish the last minute things with LDS social services we will be ready for the Lord to bless us with our child.  I have often had moments in the last 12 1/2 years where I wondered if we would ever be blessed.   If I learned one thing from my Book of Mormon reading last year is that the Lord takes great joy in blessing us when we are obedient and put our trust in him.  Many times the blessings come differently then we imagined, but they do come.  We are looking forward to whatever comes this year and pray that it may include a family of our own.  I do know one thing though.  I so enjoyed my daily scripture reading that I started 1st Nephi on Jan 20.  This Year I WILL complete it before it ends and I hope to find even more truths in my reading.
I am also so grateful that I chose Berrett as my husband and that he chose me.  It has not always been an easy road.  Infertility can kill the best of marriages.  But you see I chose to fall in love with and marry my best friend.  So how could I ever choose to walk away from that?  He was the best choice of my life!!! I am so grateful to have a man who honors the priesthood. Who  loves me with all my faults and wants to walk beside me forever.  I am so lucky!!  When the time is right, I know I chose the BEST Daddy for our children, whether they grow in my tummy or just in my heart. I made the right choice and I am so grateful he chose me as well.

The Choice to be grateful.....

Berrett taught his Home teaching lesson last month and challenged his families to fill out this gratitude list.  We had intended to do it ourselves for FHE{family home evening} but the holidays got in the way of our plans.  

So I decided I would post my list today.

Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.

1. my eyes- I would be really sad if I could not see the beauty around me.

2.being able to breathe... This may seem strange to some, but I used to have such bad asthma that walking across the room was sheer torture.  Many times I couldn't seem to find breathing a easy task.  Now that My asthma is gone, I can breathe!!!

3.Being able to sing... When I couldn't breathe singing was difficult.  I love to sing!!

4.my hands, I am grateful that I can complete my daily tasks, but also for the creativity in my hands!!

5. Being able to hear... I love the sounds of the world, especially the sound of laughter.

6. being able to laugh!!! Don't you love to laugh?

7. being able to cry.  Tears can be healing.

8. being able to hug and kiss the ones I love!!

9. The strength of my body, being able to lift, carry and move freely.

10. The ability to feel sensations, Rough, soft, sharp, cold, hot, etc.

Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
1. Books, I love to read!!! This includes my Kindle.
2. My cell phone, being able to communicate with the people I love.
3.My jewelry, especially the pieces Berrett gave me,like my wedding ring,  and the Baby shoe charm that was given to my great grandmother at my birth, and then left to me at her death.
4. Our camera.. I love being able to record the special moments in my life.
5. All the appliances in my kitchen!! I love to cook!!! I love to show my love for others by cooking special meals for them.
6. My washer and dryer. I lived without them on my mission and was so grateful to not hand wash anything anymore.  And then for a period of time in our marriage we had to go to the laundry mat, not fun!!
7.The clothes that I wear daily.  Especially now that I am actually able to wear clothes I love, instead of my "fat" clothes that I wore just because they fit, not because I truly loved them.
8. Our Christmas decorations.  So many of our ornaments have special meaning for both of us.
9.Art.  I love art. My father was a artist and I truly appreciate the talent of the people who draw, sculpt and paint.
10.Our computer. I can keep in touch with people all over the world, plan my lessons, not to mention entertain myself. And the computer provides our income since that's what Berrett works with daily!!
Write 10 living people you are grateful for. 
1. My husband Berrett
2. my mom and her husband Randy
3. My sister Tammy
4. my brother Tom & His wife Staci
5. My inlaws
6.My Husbands, brothers and sisters and their spouses
7. My best friend Linda
8. My friend Stephanie
9. Too many friends at church to name!!
10.all my nieces and nephews on both sides of the family

Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.

1. My dad

2.My grandma and grandpa Carr

3. My grandma and grandpa Thompson

4. My Great Grandparents Shafer

5. My great grandparents on my mom's side.

6.My older brother Timmy

7. My aunt Elsie

8. My Uncle Ben

9. Grandma Adel and Grandpa Earl- From Berrett's side of the family

10. Joseph Smith

Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.

 1.Tree's!!! I love Tree's

2. Mountains!!

3. Water.. Like rivers and oceans

4. The sun

5. The moon

6. The stars

7.Flowers!! I adore flowers!!

8. Grass!!

9. Animals!!

10.The wind!! and Snow Sometimes!! Lol

Write 10 things about today that you are grateful for.

1. I have a clean kitchen

2. I slept well last night.

3. Adria is hanging out with me today

4. Linda is coming to play tonight.

5. I woke up next to my sweetheart today.

6. I have a warm apartment to live in

7. there is food in my kitchen to eat

8. I am going to make a fabulous meal for Berrett & Linda tonight

9. my mom is having a good day

10. I read my scriptures today!!

Write 10 places on Earth you are grateful for.

1.The Temple

2. Our church houses

3. My home

4. My country and its freedoms!!

5. New Zealand and the beauty of the land and people of my mission!

6. The Netherlands and the chance I had to live their and learn about the culture of my ancestors

7. Disneyland!! I am sure this would be at the top of Berrett's list!!

8. My inlaws home and the way they welcome me to it!!

9. Temple Square, I love to visit that historic place.

10. The conference center!! One of my fav places down town!!

Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for. 

1.The computer

2.Heat!!

3. Flushing toilets!!! I hate the idea of out houses.

4. My shower.  I hate baths, and can you imagine heating water to bathe?

5.Microwave!! I can heat food quickly and easily!!

6.Running water in my house, we don't have to haul water to clean, cook or bathe.

7.Grocery stores!! I don't have to grow or kill my own food!!

8. Hospitals!! We have doctors who can take care of us!!

9. the Telephone!! I can talk to almost anyone anywhere!!

10. My bed!!! LOL!! I love to sleep and would not want to sleep on the ground!!

Write 10 foods you are grateful for.

1. Chocolate!! Especially Dark!!

2. Cheese, everything tastes better with cheese on it!!

3.Salt!! I am a salt addict!!

4. protein of any kind, its how I lost so much weight!!

5. vegetables!! I really do love my veggies!!

6. ice cream, even though now I can only eat a teeny tiny bit!!

7.Crystal lite!! LOL!! I need the change from plain water!!

8. Bread!! Especially home made, hot from the oven!!

9.Pumpkin and Bananna cream pie!! Yummy!!

10.Oreo cookies!! My favorite!!

Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for. 

1. I know who I am and why I am here and where I came from.

2. a living prophet who teaches me

3. a relationship with my Heavenly Father

4. A relationship with my Savior

5. The comfort and guidance of the Holy Ghost

6. My temple ordinances and endowments

7.The knowledge that families are forever .I can be with the ones I love for forever.

8. The scriptures

9. My callings

10. Friends who believe and feel like I do. 

Well that"s my list!! Whats on yours?????

 

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