Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Women at the well
We have been rehearsing for several weeks now, and the women in our ward who are running this, performing this and reading the script, are amazing!!! I don't feel so amazing. I am so nervous about this little venture. I have a tendency to want to hide in large crowds. I am NOT a performer. I tend to look down, or tilt my head at this odd angle. Berrett says I look like I am trying to climb inside myself!! I probably am. I do have some back up singers, and we have the MOST amazing pianist!! So at least I won't be standing up there alone. I have been asked to sing Day of Tears. The song is about one of the women who witness the mockery and Crucifixion of our Savior Jesus Christ. She is also one of those who goes to the tomb to wash and anoint his body and then discovers that he has risen. It is a very moving song. It is difficult for me to sing because of the emotions I feel as I sing it. I can only imagine in costume and in the stage setting how much more real those feelings will be. My nervousness aside, I keep thinking about the women in the Savior's life. This program is about the women of the scriptures. There is Mary and Martha who witness their brother being raised from the dead. There is the woman who had a medical condition for years and knows if she just touches the Saviors robe she will be healed. There is Mary the mother of Jesus, and so many more.
We often hear about the apostles from the scriptures. They were special witnesses of Christ. They knew him, they were taught by him, and they were able to see his resurrected body. They were great men, who rose to their callings. Then again its nice to hear about the women in his life. They were followers as well. Disciples.... Many of them were able to stay and witness his death when his disciples were not able to. The scriptures tell us that he appeared to Mary Magdalene at the tomb. How wonderful it is to know that to our Lord and Savior, women were loved and respected. Even in his last moments, he looked at the grief of His mother and asked that one of His dearest friends take care of her. I know that in my own life, I have felt His love, His strength and His support. I have never doubted that He is here for me. I think that is another reason why performing this song is so hard for me. I want to do justice to the women in His life. I want to bear testimony that He Lives! Some how I have to find the courage I lack and do this as well as I am able. I keep asking in prayer for help, and I ask you to pray for me as well.
I am truly stepping out of my comfort zone. But that can be a good thing. Adoption.. Or the Finding part of adoption I should say, is not always comfortable either. We have had interviews, home study's, birth parent letters to write, pictures to pose for, and even the uncomfortableness of having some one change their mind about placing their baby. I have spent a lot of time and energy contacting people and talking about our desire to adopt, and pleaded with total strangers to keep us in mind. Honestly the only part of the adoption process that feels comfortable is when we pray about it. When we talk about it to each other and to our family and friends. So I guess if I can step out of my comfort zone of "infertility" and the grief of "adoption miscarriage" and continue to pursue this dream, I guess I can stand on stage and sing in front of the ward and the family members and friends who will be in the audience. After all, I LIKE TO SING!!! I sing all the time at home, in primary, to the babies I tend. Berrett and I sing in the car as well. So I can do this!! I will Just remember the Little engine that could and keep telling myself "I think I can, I think I can." and when its all over, Maybe I will be able to say "I thought I could"!!!!